ABRIDGED DUNE
CHAPTER ONE
Paul Muab'Dib is good. Really good. Everyone against him is evil. Like the Harkonnens. Really really evil.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
The BARON HARKONNEN, his nephew FEYD-RAUTHA, and the Mentat assassin PITER DE VRIES meet to plot villainy.
BARON: So it'll happen as planned.
PITER: Yup.
BARON: Run through the plan so Feyd-Rautha can see the evilness of our evil treacherous plan.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Do I have to sit through it?
BARON: Yes.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Whatever.
PITER: So, okay, your family hates the Atreides, in a feud that started literally ten thousand years ago because one of your ancestors got court-martialed for cowardice on the battlefield, by an Atreides.
FEYD-RAUTHA: What, really?
BARON: Yes.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Why're we holding a grudge over it, then? Seems fair enough to me.
BARON: Shuttup and listen, Feyd-Rautha.
PITER: Anyway, we're swapping control of the planet Arrakis to them. Arrakis is the single most valuable rock in the universe because it's the only place you find spice, melange. The most valuable substance in the universe.The ultimate awareness-spectrum narcotic. The good shit, in other words.
BARON: And cut off from their support and unaccustomed to their surroundings WE WILL CRUSH THEM.
PITER: It's been planned out by me, the psychotic Mentat assassin who pops down spice like its candy.
FEYD-RAUTHA: It's such a comfort to have our course of action plotted by a self-admitted mentally unstable drug addict.
BARON: I'd rather have him working with us than against us. Piter, tell him the rest.
PITER: They know some plan is in motion against them. We know they know. They know we know they know that something's up. But I don't think they think we know they know we know they know. So they're outmaneuvered. But they don't think they're outmaneuvered when we know they are... [PITER continues in the background]
FEYD-RAUTHA: Is he always like this?
BARON: It's the drawback of a human being trained to having computer-liked mental dedication; every now and then their operating system locks or they get stuck in in the probability trees planning a million moves ahead. Sometimes it's worse and he'll keep this up until he creams his pants in an evilgasm.
FEYD-RAUTHA, while PITER keeps going: So lemme check something, Uncle. We're engaged pulling off an involuted scheme to destroy a family over an unjustified grudge going back millenia.
BARON: Correct.
FEYD-RAUTHA: And meaning no disrespect, but you're a grotesquely obese, ugly, disease-ravaged, scheming, power-hungry, slave-owning pedophile.
BARON: I can't find any point of inaccuracy that would sway a jury.
FEYD-RAUTHA: We're the villains, aren't we? It's like someone just went through the list of traits that scream 'evil people!' and clicked 'select all'.
BARON: Gotta play the hand we're dealt, kid.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Next question: Why are you grooming ME as your heir and successor instead of my older brother?
BARON: Two reasons: Your brother's dumb, and you're hot.
FEYD-RAUTHA: ...
BARON: When you were listing my traits up there, you left off 'homosexual'. Did anyone ever tell you you're an absolutely beautiful young man?
FEYD-RAUTHA: Yeah, but I didn't consider homosexuality a negative thing until it was aimed at me.
BARON: That's what all the pretty boys say. At first.
PITER finishes his plotting, eats some spice, and passes out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER TWO
Paul had a perfect home life. Happy happy happy. Unlike the rest of the noble families, the Atreides were normal, peaceful, happy, and didn't ever have to check their spaghetti for ground glass and scorpions, the smug sonsa...
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL, his teachers GURNEY HALLECK and mentat THUFIR HAWAT, and the rest of his family are preparing to move to ARRAKIS.
PAUL: I'm filled with boyish excitement over moving to a new place! And I'll make new friends and have new adventures and oh boy it'll be fun!
GURNEY: Here's a final fighting lesson and some advice on survival.
PAUL: Gee whillickers!
THUFIR: Like, groovy young'un. Groovy. Pay attention to the lessons we're teaching you, because, they'll, like, lead to you cosmic harmony.
PAUL: Thufir, you've been drinking sapho juice again haven't you?
THUFIR: Yeah. Want some?
PAUL: Sure...groooOOOooovy...
PAUL meets his mother, JESSICA.
JESSICA: By the way, Paul, here's this HAG, who will give you a test that will kill you if you fail it.
HAG: Stick your hand into this box.
PAUL: 'Kay.
HAG: Go go gadget pain box!
PAUL: Ow.
HAG: And turn it up to eleven!
PAUL: Ow.
HAG: You pass! Maybe you have potential. Whatever, Jessica, you're still in trouble. Everyone's going to die, except for you and the kid here.
JESSICA: We'll manage.
HAG: Anyway. I'm out of here. Good job of passing the test, kid.
PAUL: Later.
They all pack up and leave, and PAUL spends the trip on the spaceship drinking sapho juice with THUFIR. They pass out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER THREE
Leto was a pretty cool guy. He made friends and didn't afraid of anything.
...I just re-read that last sentence and looked at my gin pitcher. It's empty. I need to slow down on that stuff.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL and his father LETO spend time with the locals, and send DUNCAN IDAHO to make friends with the desert people, the FREMEN. DOCTOR YUEH mopes around in the background, writing emo poetry on the walls about how he will betray the family.
LETO: Son, let me give you some advice.
PAUL: Don't eat those berries Thufir likes?
LETO: That's good advice, but not what I wanted to give.
PAUL: If creepy old hags want you to put your hand in a box, don't do it?
LETO: I don't know what you're talking about, but that sounds like it's good advice. No, actually, my advice is 'Be cool to people, and they will be cool to you.'
PAUL: Huh. I like that one.
LETO: Watch the master at work, son.
THEY spend time visiting and doing stuff with people, and LETO indeed is cool to people. He makes friends with the LOCALS, and gets DUNCAN to be even better friends with the FREMEN.
PAUL: Father, I am glad you schooled me in the ways of the cool.
LETO: Hey, your old man still has some skills, if you know what I mean. You're not bad yourself, I think you could be a Mentat. Having a Mentat in charge of things would be pretty badass, huh?
PAUL: Yeah, it would.
LETO: Bitchin'.
PAUL: Hey, dad, this planet is harsh and the people are kinda weird, but I think I'll like it. We'll have a nice life here.
LETO: That we will, son.
They are attacked by the HARKONNEN forces, LETO is captured by YUEH, THUFIR is captured by HARKONNENS, and GURNEY gets away.
DUNCAN: Jessica, Paul, come with me!
PAUL: AAAARRRGH, I can see the future! It's freaky! At least mom and Duncan will be there to help me, I saw this with my amazing new see-the-future powers which are surely accurate--
DUNCAN dies so JESSICA and PAUL can get away.
PAUL: Well, that's a reassuring sign of my inevitable happy ending...
JESSICA: We've got to escape into the desert inhabited by the giant carnivorous super-murder-death sandworms that will feel the vibrations of your steps and plow through a mile of sand, at a hundred miles an hour, to get to the exact SPOT you're at.
PAUL: Future-seeing powers, ACTIVATE! Mom, we can cross the desert without alerting the starship-sized deathworms. We just have to walk without rhythm. Like...stumbling. Like...like...
JESSICA: LIke you're so stoned you can barely stand up?
PAUL: Yeah, exactly. Here, have some of Thufir's sapho juice stash, it'll help you get the groove right. Oh yeah, did you know your dad is the Baron Harkonnen? I just saw it with my seeing-the-future powers, using them to see the past. Also, I see the future coming at us. It sucks.
They cross the desert, and find a spot to hide in.
PAUL: AAWWWHHHH! Look at the mice! They're cute! I LIKE 'EM!
JESSICA: Uh, son, you might wanna look up.
STILGAR and the FREMEN: Hi. Sorry about Leto. He was cool. Not sorry enough to not kill you for the water in your body, though.
JESSICA: Not so fast! I'm a Reverend Mother and, uh, I have spooky powers! And so does Paul!
FREMEN: OH SHIT, we're in trouble, please forgive us!
JAMIS, one of the FREMEN: This is bullshit!
STILGAR: It won't hurt to check. We can kill them later if they're lying.
JAMIS: Bullshit!
STILGAR: Now, now, behave. Let's be nice.
PAUL: I don't want a fight, now.
FREMEN: How noble and self-sacrificing his is, to swallow his pride and honor for the sake of the group, as having a fight in enemy territory would delay us getting back to safety! He totally gets us and our ways, but he only just got here!
JAMIS: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH, KID!
They fight, PAUL wins and kills JAMIS. He is sad over this.
STILGAR: Woah, you cried! You're a very spiritual guy to give up water, the ultimate good shit, for the dead! Welcome to the group! You can be Usul. Also, you need another name. What do you wanna be called?
PAUL: What're those cute little mice called?
STILGAR: Muab'Dib. Cute name. I like it.
CHANI, a young lady of the FREMEN: He's hot. I like him.
PAUL: I had psychic dreams about you. We were meant to be together.
CHANI: Talk dirty to me, mighty mouse.
They go to the SIETCH, where they meet the HAG.
HAG: Hey. What's up?
PAUL: How'd you get here?
HAG: Huh?
PAUL: I saw you back home before we got on a spaceship.
JESSICA: Paul, don't be rude! It obviously isn't the same lady, even though all old women in this book look, move, and sound exactly the same.
PAUL: Weird.
HAG: Hey, young lady, here's a test that will kill you if you fail it. I have something in this sack. Drink it.
PAUL: I have the weirdest sensation of deja vu right now.
JESSICA drinks the WATER OF LIFE, and survives. The HAG dies.
JESSICA: Shame I'm pregnant. No telling what kind of prenatal effects that shit has. Oh well. I'm now a Reverend Mother, without having to be a creepy bent-over old hag. Go me!
The FREMEN celebrate, and PAUL gets stoned out of his mind on spice and sees the FUTURE and feels sad because the FUTURE has a lot of wars. And everyone takes some spice and passes out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER FOUR
The Harkonnens sucked. Yueh sucked. Poor Leto. Poor Paul.
Also, poor me. I'm unhappily married and drunk.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
LETO and YUEH are brought into the HARKONNEN fortress.
YEUH: I'm supposed to be so brainwashed I can't ever hurt someone, but I'm actually willing to hurt the Baron, I hate him so much.
LETO: Yeah? Cool, how do we do it?
YUEH: By killing you.
LETO: You do realize that makes no sense, right?
YUEH: Boy, let me tell you. When the Harkonnens decide to screw with your head, they don't half-ass it. Anyways. We're gonna die. You have a poison gas tooth in your mouth. Give it a good bite and try to breathe hard at the Baron for me.
They're escorted to in front of the BARON and PITER.
YUEH: Here he is. Just as promised. Let me go?
PITER: Hey, Yueh.
YUEH: Yeah?
PITER: Shiv.
YUEH: So called it. YEERRGHHH [YUEH dies]
LETO: Hey, Baron. Howsit going?
BARON: Pretty good lately. Sorry about you, though.
LETO: Yeah, I've had better days. Oh, by the way, DIE.
The poison gas kills LETO and PITER, but the BARON survives.
BARON: That was a close one. And now I don't have a supergenius drug addict to do my scheming for me.
GUARD: Hey, we caught the Atreides' supergenius drug addict, Thufir Hawat.
BARON: Send him in for a job interview.
THUFIR: I'm going to kill you.
BARON: It wasn't me who betrayed you.
THUFIR: Really?
BARON: Yeah, it was totally Lady Jessica. Want to sign on with my crew to get revenge?
THUFIR: OH THAT BITCH! She was always harshing on my mellow! I'm in!
BARON: Thank Orange Catholic God all the supergeniuses like their drugs.
LATER
FEYD-RAUTHA: Thufir, you've got to help me!
THUFIR: What is it, brat?
FEYD-RAUTHA: My uncle has an incestuous homosexual pedo-crush on me!
THUFIR: Yeah, I know.
FEYD-RAUTHA: You do?
THUFIR: When everyone calls us a supergenius drug-addict, they focus on the 'drug-addict' and forget about the 'supergenius'. It wasn't hard to reason out why he likes you over your brother, and his preferences are an open secret.
FEYD-RAUTHA: That is the most lucid thing I've ever heard a Mentat say. Help me plan out something to kill him before he can violate me!
THUFIR: Eh, I still hate him. So, sure. But you'll owe me one.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Anything!
THUFIR: Hey, want some sapho juice?
FEYD-RAUTHA: Sure, why not?
They groove on the COLORS and pass out.
TWO YEARS AND MORE PASS. JESSICA gives birth to ALIA. PAUL sees more of the FUTURE and he's in love with CHANI. The BARON plots villainy, now with THUFIR helping him. FEYD-RAUTHA is still a douchebag.
CHAPTER FIVE
Here is a cryptic mystical statement about the future and seeing it change. It is very mystic. And cryptical. If you don't understand it, you won't get it even if someone tries to explain.
Also, I'm out of gin. Again.
--Princess Irulan. First Drafts.
PAUL MUAB'DIB gets stoned out his mind on spice and sees the FUTURE.
The FUTURE still sucks.
JESSICA: Hey, Paul, why don't you go see Leto?
PAUL: Who?
JESSICA: Your son. With Chani.
PAUL: Oh, right. Sorry, I hit the spice a little hard today.
ALIA: Nothing unusual for you, big brother Paul.
PAUL: Mom, can I say how creepy it is that we have a two-year-old running around always snarkily butting into conversations?
ALIA: You just said it. Why ask if you say it anyway? [ALIA sharpens her KNIVES]
PAUL: Also, where does she get those?
JESSICA: Not a clue.
ALIA: I'm Saint Alia of the Knife! Orange Catholic God grants me the miraculous power to produce knives whenever I want! AHAHAH!!
PAUL: Oh, That's not creepy at all...Oh, want some spice, mom?
JESSICA: I'm good.
PAUL: Stilgar, want to do a couple grams with me?
STILGAR: Maybe later, I've got to come up with something to do about the Harkonnens.
PAUL: I miss Thufir. And Gurney. And Duncan.
ALIA: I'll partake with you, brother.
PAUL: Oh hell no. Not with you.
PAUL uses spice and gets stoned out of his mind. He sees the FUTURE. Again. And passes out grooving to the COLORS. Again.
CHAPTER SIX.
Daddy had a friend. He was a good friend.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts
COUNT FENRING comes to see the BARON, with his hot wife LADY FENRING. FENRING is a very harmless looking man. Extremely harmless looking.
READERS: Okay, we get it, this guy's a stone-cold killer and assassin.
FENRING: So, honey, are you in season? Ready to get knocked up?
LADY FENRING: Yep. Just point me at this kid, I'll take care of it. We've spent fifteen thousand years selectively breeding people to get super-psychics, can't let the Harkonnens die off from gross stupidity.
They meet with the BARON.
BARON: Hey, my nephew Feyd-Rautha is fighting in the arena. Wanna watch?
FENRINGS: Sure.
FEYD-RAUTHA fights and wins. He notices LADY FENRING is hot.
BARON: Behave yourself, kid. She's married to the Emperor's best friend, confidant, and assassin.
LADY FENRING: What does that have to do with anything?
FEYD-RAUTHA: Oh HELL yeah.
FENRING: So, Baron. What's up?
BARON: Not much. How's the Emperor?
FENRING: About the same. How's Arrakis coming along?
BARON: Just fine, just fine.
FENRING: That's quite good. We'll just be visiting for a couple of days, taking care of some business. But we'll attend any balls or banquets or other such social events while we're here.
FEYD-RAUTHA: OH HELL YEAH.
FENRING: And then we'll be on our way. Got places to go, things to do.
BARON: Perfectly fine.
LADY FENRING: Hey, Feyd, let's meet up later.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
MORE YEARS PASS.
BARON: Feyd-Rautha, I noticed you tried to kill me today.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Oh, wasn't me. Nope. I know nothing about how your slaveboy had a needle all set and ready for you.
BARON: Uh-huh.
FEYD-RAUTHA: I was chillin' with the bitches, see?
BARON: Uh-huh.
FEYD-RAUTHA [to himself]: I'm gonna kill this fat old fucker soon.
BARON: You just thought you're going to kill this fat old fucker soon.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Ooh, he's good!
BARON: Better than you are, kiddo. Now go choke all your bitches.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Sure thing
BARON: To death.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Shit.
Meanwhile, THUFIR HAWAT has organized this to happen.
THUFIR: Just as planned, bitches.
THUFIR cracks open some sapho juice. He passes out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER SEVEN
SHAI-HULUD.
Why is that so fun to say it's fun to write? It's just some words, but I want to shout them.
Also, I have gin again!
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL: Well, I'm about to try to catch and ride a sandworm as a proof of my manhood. Wish me luck, everyone.
EVERYONE: Luck.
PAUL's sandworm turns out to be huge. The largest ever seen.
STILGAR: Well, great job on getting a giant worm and all that.
PAUL: You don't seem happy.
STILGAR: Your worm was bigger than my worm.
PAUL: What does that have to do with anything?
STILGAR: It should be obvious! Your worm being bigger makes you more of a man! You could now kill me and take command over all the warriors and no one would object.
ALIA: Oh. My. God. The subtext here... [ALIA facepalms]
PAUL: It's all good, man. I just got lucky, it isn't anything to do with me. You keep on with your bad self. I wouldn't try to run this joint without you.
STILGAR: That's pretty decent of you.
PAUL: Ain't nothin', dawg. Say, wanna do a couple of grams?
STILGAR: I think it's time we kicked the Harkonnens off of Arrakis.
JESSICA: I agree.
PAUL: Well, sure. Let's get cracking.
PAUL first takes a day to sober up. By the end of that day, he's got fanatic death-commandos, and caught up to GURNEY HALLECK.
PAUL: GURNEY! Good to see you! Hey, guess what! I'm a daddy! I'm also one of the boss dudes of the Fremen. Wanna join up and kick some Harkonnen ass?
GURNEY: Great to see you, kid. And sure, I'm down with the asskicking.
JESSICA: Hello, Gurney, it's great to see you again.
GURNEY: DIE TRAITOROUS WITCH!
PAUL: Hey, cut that shit out, man. Mom didn't do anything, it was Yueh. He left us a note saying what was up and that he was sorry. Dude, way to harsh on everyone's mellow.
GURNEY: Sorry. I was wrong.
PAUL: Seriously, dude, ease off the trigger a bit. Anyway, let's kick some ass.
PAUL, JESSICA, STILGAR, ALIA, and GURNEY go and kick ass. The death commandos help.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Father always liked the saying 'Power gives you poise'.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
The WAR is not going well for the HARKONNENS. The BARON waits nervously for THE EMPEROR himself to come and take charge, with his unstoppable elite SADUAKAR troopers.
BARON: Are we good to go?
THUFIR: We're good to go.
BARON: I hope so.
THUFIR: We'll be fine.
THE EMPEROR arrives in a gold-plated diamond-encrusted shuttle with SALUSAN BULL horns on the grill. Before the door opens, a RED CARPET unrolls in front of the door and two GUILD NAVIGATORS get out, along with the FENRINGS and PRINCESS IRULAN and the ENTOURAGE. The ASSEMBLED CROWD goes wild as the Emperor comes out, in his tiger-striped PIMP SUIT and twirling his platinum-and-ruby PIMP CANE.
THE EMPEROR: Who're my bitches?
CROWD: WE ARE!
THE EMPEROR: Are you my bitches?
CROWD: HELL YEAH!
THE EMPEROR: LEMME HEAR YOU SAY IT!
CROWD: WE'RE YOUR BITCHES!
THE EMPEROR: LEMME HEAR YOU MEAN IT!
CROWD: WE'RE YOUR BITCHES!
THE EMPEROR: I-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU!
CROWD: WE'RE YOUR BITCHES!
THE EMPEROR: Damn straight you are. Hey, Baron. You've gained weight. Must be because your fat ass is SITTING AROUND instead of doing something about these Fremen jackasses.
BARON: Your Majesty, I--
THE EMPEROR: AH! I ain't got time for the fatties. Let's see you work some of that off. Get that ass moving and get a rumble going. I'm loaning you some of my boys here, though. Hop to it.
BARON: Yes, sir.
THE WAR GOES ON.
CHAPTER NINE
Good always overcomes bad. Especially good planning over bad planning.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL: God, this war is so harshing on my vibes. And no one is doing spice with me. You know what? Spice isn't enough for me now. I'm going to take some WATER OF LIFE, the super-strong shit.
PAUL does, and goes into a COMA for three weeks.
When he wakes up, CHANI and JESSICA are there.
PAUL: Oh Orange Catholic God, that was a bitchin' trip, but I've got such a huge fucking hangover...
CHANI: Leto's dead.
PAUL: Who?
CHANI: Our toddler son.
PAUL: Oh. That sucks.
JESSICA: They're holding the capital. If we nuked the barrier wall and then did a surprise attack on city by riding sandworms in there, we could corner them and force them off planet.
PAUL: Good idea. Also, get someone to get a sack of Water of Life and put it over a spice patch. I had an idea while I was tripping. And I need a hair of the dog.
JESSICA: Not the time, Paul.
PAUL: Whatever, let's just get going.
The FREMEN follow PAUL and the OTHERS in battle. Nuking a geologic feature out of the way and riding up to the fight on sandworms works.
PAUL: I AM SO FUCKING METAL RIGHT NOW. Stilgar! Give me a guitar solo!
STILGAR begins thrashing out an incredible guitar-shredding solo to lend some atmosphere to the proceedings.
SADUAKAR: We totally didn't see that one coming.
FREMEN: Hey, why can't we get someone good to fight?
IMPERIAL FORCES: Oh, shit, these Fremen are FOR REAL.
ALIA is captured. She is brought to the BARON HARKONNEN.
ALIA: Hey, Grandad.
BARON: What?
ALIA: Shiv.
BARON: YEEERRRGH, I'M DEAD.
ALIA: I AM SAINT ALIA OF THE KNIFE! BOW BEFORE ME OR BE STRUCK DOWN WITH BLOOD-SOAKED VENGEANCE!
EVERYONE: Oh, that's going to be a stable woman when she grows up.
PAUL takes the city and waits for the EMPEROR.
THE EMPEROR: Hey, Thufir.
THUFIR: Yes, your Majesty?
THE EMPEROR: Stick Paul with this poisoned needle.
THUFIR: Yes, sir.
PAUL: Hey, Thufir! Good to see you! Let's crack open a case of the sapho and catch up with each other!
THUFIR: I'd like to, but I just stabbed myself with a poison needle to keep from murdering you. YERGGGGH I'M DEAD.
PAUL: DAMMIT, can't I get anyone to get stoned with me?
THE EMPEROR: You can chill in prison.
PAUL: Oh, shut up. I'm in charge here and I have a fucking hangover like you wouldn't believe. So if you keep it up, I'm going to turn on my seeing-the-future power and kick some ass.
THE EMPEROR: Feyd-Rautha is going to challenge you to a duel.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Wait, what?
THE EMPEROR: Using my personal pimpin' dueling equipment.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Oh, dude, this is sweet gear. Look at this poison..
LADY FENRING: Hey, Paul, I brainwashed Feyd-Rautha when I seduced him the other year. Say the special code word and he'll lock up.
PAUL: Fuck that. I'm gonna beat him honest.
FEYD-RAUTHA and PAUL fight, and PAUL wins.
FEYD-RAUTHA: I...I did it for the bitches. [FEYD-RAUTHA dies]
THE EMPEROR: Kid, I wish you could have had more of them. Paul, I'm gonna nuke the shit out of you.
PAUL: Okay, that is IT. Fuck this shit. If you keep it up, I'm going to fucking blow up all the spice on this planet. We'll all die, the Guild Navigators won't be able to see into the future to steer spaceships, galactic civilization falls apart.
THE EMPEROR: You wouldn't.
PAUL: Look at the Navigators. They can see into the future, too.
The NAVIGATORS are crapping their PANTS and having WITHDRAWAL SEIZURES just from seeing a FUTURE without spice.
EMPEROR: Fenring, kill him.
FENRING: Eh, I don't want to.
PAUL: Fuck this shit AGAIN. You give up your throne to me RIGHT NOW or I swear to Orange Catholic God that I'm going to blow up all the spice anyway.
THE EMPEROR: Why would you do that?
PAUL: Because I haven't had spice in three weeks and I somehow managed to have both withdrawals and a hangover at the same time, and you're getting on my LAST nerve. And if I blow up all the spice on the planet, we'll all die in five minutes but it will be the best spice-high of our whole life.
NAVIGATORS: He isn't lying, we're seeing it in the future RIGHT NOW.
THE EMPEROR: Why do you see the future better than they do?
PAUL: Because I pick the hard way every now and then to stay sharp. They only look at the future for the easy way. Now lemme marry your daughter Irulan to get some bit of legality to it, and I won't touch her skinny ass ever and I can be the new Emperor and you can retire with your bitches.
THE EMPEROR: Sounds about as good a deal as we're gonna get.
JESSICA: Paul, you were fantastic!
PAUL: Yeah, thanks. I just remembered Dad's saying of 'Be cool to people and they'll be cool to you'. Listen, Chani, I know you're very upset over our son's death. But it's okay, we'll make another one that looks just like him. And we'll actually name him Leto II. And he'll grow up, turn into a sand-worm, become God-Emperor of the universe for three thousand years and spend a hell of a lot of effort trying to persuade people to kill him before they actually get their shit together and pull it off.
CHANI AND JESSICA: What? Are you on the spice again?
PAUL: Nope, I'm actually arranging this right now, thanks to chaos theory. Also, I hope you like crazy resurrections and whole lot more superdrugs. It's what I said about picking the hard way some times. And how dad said to "Be Cool to People"
JESSICA: How is your son turning into a sandworm being cool to people?
PAUL: I'm setting up the hard way because none of you were cool to me and didn't ever do some grams with me. It works both ways, jackasses.
PAUL MUAB'DIB, the new EMPEROR, did some spice, and grooved to the COLORS for a while. And passed out.
And then we checked him into spice-rehab.
--Princess Irulan
CHAPTER ONE
Paul Muab'Dib is good. Really good. Everyone against him is evil. Like the Harkonnens. Really really evil.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
The BARON HARKONNEN, his nephew FEYD-RAUTHA, and the Mentat assassin PITER DE VRIES meet to plot villainy.
BARON: So it'll happen as planned.
PITER: Yup.
BARON: Run through the plan so Feyd-Rautha can see the evilness of our evil treacherous plan.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Do I have to sit through it?
BARON: Yes.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Whatever.
PITER: So, okay, your family hates the Atreides, in a feud that started literally ten thousand years ago because one of your ancestors got court-martialed for cowardice on the battlefield, by an Atreides.
FEYD-RAUTHA: What, really?
BARON: Yes.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Why're we holding a grudge over it, then? Seems fair enough to me.
BARON: Shuttup and listen, Feyd-Rautha.
PITER: Anyway, we're swapping control of the planet Arrakis to them. Arrakis is the single most valuable rock in the universe because it's the only place you find spice, melange. The most valuable substance in the universe.The ultimate awareness-spectrum narcotic. The good shit, in other words.
BARON: And cut off from their support and unaccustomed to their surroundings WE WILL CRUSH THEM.
PITER: It's been planned out by me, the psychotic Mentat assassin who pops down spice like its candy.
FEYD-RAUTHA: It's such a comfort to have our course of action plotted by a self-admitted mentally unstable drug addict.
BARON: I'd rather have him working with us than against us. Piter, tell him the rest.
PITER: They know some plan is in motion against them. We know they know. They know we know they know that something's up. But I don't think they think we know they know we know they know. So they're outmaneuvered. But they don't think they're outmaneuvered when we know they are... [PITER continues in the background]
FEYD-RAUTHA: Is he always like this?
BARON: It's the drawback of a human being trained to having computer-liked mental dedication; every now and then their operating system locks or they get stuck in in the probability trees planning a million moves ahead. Sometimes it's worse and he'll keep this up until he creams his pants in an evilgasm.
FEYD-RAUTHA, while PITER keeps going: So lemme check something, Uncle. We're engaged pulling off an involuted scheme to destroy a family over an unjustified grudge going back millenia.
BARON: Correct.
FEYD-RAUTHA: And meaning no disrespect, but you're a grotesquely obese, ugly, disease-ravaged, scheming, power-hungry, slave-owning pedophile.
BARON: I can't find any point of inaccuracy that would sway a jury.
FEYD-RAUTHA: We're the villains, aren't we? It's like someone just went through the list of traits that scream 'evil people!' and clicked 'select all'.
BARON: Gotta play the hand we're dealt, kid.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Next question: Why are you grooming ME as your heir and successor instead of my older brother?
BARON: Two reasons: Your brother's dumb, and you're hot.
FEYD-RAUTHA: ...
BARON: When you were listing my traits up there, you left off 'homosexual'. Did anyone ever tell you you're an absolutely beautiful young man?
FEYD-RAUTHA: Yeah, but I didn't consider homosexuality a negative thing until it was aimed at me.
BARON: That's what all the pretty boys say. At first.
PITER finishes his plotting, eats some spice, and passes out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER TWO
Paul had a perfect home life. Happy happy happy. Unlike the rest of the noble families, the Atreides were normal, peaceful, happy, and didn't ever have to check their spaghetti for ground glass and scorpions, the smug sonsa...
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL, his teachers GURNEY HALLECK and mentat THUFIR HAWAT, and the rest of his family are preparing to move to ARRAKIS.
PAUL: I'm filled with boyish excitement over moving to a new place! And I'll make new friends and have new adventures and oh boy it'll be fun!
GURNEY: Here's a final fighting lesson and some advice on survival.
PAUL: Gee whillickers!
THUFIR: Like, groovy young'un. Groovy. Pay attention to the lessons we're teaching you, because, they'll, like, lead to you cosmic harmony.
PAUL: Thufir, you've been drinking sapho juice again haven't you?
THUFIR: Yeah. Want some?
PAUL: Sure...groooOOOooovy...
PAUL meets his mother, JESSICA.
JESSICA: By the way, Paul, here's this HAG, who will give you a test that will kill you if you fail it.
HAG: Stick your hand into this box.
PAUL: 'Kay.
HAG: Go go gadget pain box!
PAUL: Ow.
HAG: And turn it up to eleven!
PAUL: Ow.
HAG: You pass! Maybe you have potential. Whatever, Jessica, you're still in trouble. Everyone's going to die, except for you and the kid here.
JESSICA: We'll manage.
HAG: Anyway. I'm out of here. Good job of passing the test, kid.
PAUL: Later.
They all pack up and leave, and PAUL spends the trip on the spaceship drinking sapho juice with THUFIR. They pass out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER THREE
Leto was a pretty cool guy. He made friends and didn't afraid of anything.
...I just re-read that last sentence and looked at my gin pitcher. It's empty. I need to slow down on that stuff.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL and his father LETO spend time with the locals, and send DUNCAN IDAHO to make friends with the desert people, the FREMEN. DOCTOR YUEH mopes around in the background, writing emo poetry on the walls about how he will betray the family.
LETO: Son, let me give you some advice.
PAUL: Don't eat those berries Thufir likes?
LETO: That's good advice, but not what I wanted to give.
PAUL: If creepy old hags want you to put your hand in a box, don't do it?
LETO: I don't know what you're talking about, but that sounds like it's good advice. No, actually, my advice is 'Be cool to people, and they will be cool to you.'
PAUL: Huh. I like that one.
LETO: Watch the master at work, son.
THEY spend time visiting and doing stuff with people, and LETO indeed is cool to people. He makes friends with the LOCALS, and gets DUNCAN to be even better friends with the FREMEN.
PAUL: Father, I am glad you schooled me in the ways of the cool.
LETO: Hey, your old man still has some skills, if you know what I mean. You're not bad yourself, I think you could be a Mentat. Having a Mentat in charge of things would be pretty badass, huh?
PAUL: Yeah, it would.
LETO: Bitchin'.
PAUL: Hey, dad, this planet is harsh and the people are kinda weird, but I think I'll like it. We'll have a nice life here.
LETO: That we will, son.
They are attacked by the HARKONNEN forces, LETO is captured by YUEH, THUFIR is captured by HARKONNENS, and GURNEY gets away.
DUNCAN: Jessica, Paul, come with me!
PAUL: AAAARRRGH, I can see the future! It's freaky! At least mom and Duncan will be there to help me, I saw this with my amazing new see-the-future powers which are surely accurate--
DUNCAN dies so JESSICA and PAUL can get away.
PAUL: Well, that's a reassuring sign of my inevitable happy ending...
JESSICA: We've got to escape into the desert inhabited by the giant carnivorous super-murder-death sandworms that will feel the vibrations of your steps and plow through a mile of sand, at a hundred miles an hour, to get to the exact SPOT you're at.
PAUL: Future-seeing powers, ACTIVATE! Mom, we can cross the desert without alerting the starship-sized deathworms. We just have to walk without rhythm. Like...stumbling. Like...like...
JESSICA: LIke you're so stoned you can barely stand up?
PAUL: Yeah, exactly. Here, have some of Thufir's sapho juice stash, it'll help you get the groove right. Oh yeah, did you know your dad is the Baron Harkonnen? I just saw it with my seeing-the-future powers, using them to see the past. Also, I see the future coming at us. It sucks.
They cross the desert, and find a spot to hide in.
PAUL: AAWWWHHHH! Look at the mice! They're cute! I LIKE 'EM!
JESSICA: Uh, son, you might wanna look up.
STILGAR and the FREMEN: Hi. Sorry about Leto. He was cool. Not sorry enough to not kill you for the water in your body, though.
JESSICA: Not so fast! I'm a Reverend Mother and, uh, I have spooky powers! And so does Paul!
FREMEN: OH SHIT, we're in trouble, please forgive us!
JAMIS, one of the FREMEN: This is bullshit!
STILGAR: It won't hurt to check. We can kill them later if they're lying.
JAMIS: Bullshit!
STILGAR: Now, now, behave. Let's be nice.
PAUL: I don't want a fight, now.
FREMEN: How noble and self-sacrificing his is, to swallow his pride and honor for the sake of the group, as having a fight in enemy territory would delay us getting back to safety! He totally gets us and our ways, but he only just got here!
JAMIS: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH, KID!
They fight, PAUL wins and kills JAMIS. He is sad over this.
STILGAR: Woah, you cried! You're a very spiritual guy to give up water, the ultimate good shit, for the dead! Welcome to the group! You can be Usul. Also, you need another name. What do you wanna be called?
PAUL: What're those cute little mice called?
STILGAR: Muab'Dib. Cute name. I like it.
CHANI, a young lady of the FREMEN: He's hot. I like him.
PAUL: I had psychic dreams about you. We were meant to be together.
CHANI: Talk dirty to me, mighty mouse.
They go to the SIETCH, where they meet the HAG.
HAG: Hey. What's up?
PAUL: How'd you get here?
HAG: Huh?
PAUL: I saw you back home before we got on a spaceship.
JESSICA: Paul, don't be rude! It obviously isn't the same lady, even though all old women in this book look, move, and sound exactly the same.
PAUL: Weird.
HAG: Hey, young lady, here's a test that will kill you if you fail it. I have something in this sack. Drink it.
PAUL: I have the weirdest sensation of deja vu right now.
JESSICA drinks the WATER OF LIFE, and survives. The HAG dies.
JESSICA: Shame I'm pregnant. No telling what kind of prenatal effects that shit has. Oh well. I'm now a Reverend Mother, without having to be a creepy bent-over old hag. Go me!
The FREMEN celebrate, and PAUL gets stoned out of his mind on spice and sees the FUTURE and feels sad because the FUTURE has a lot of wars. And everyone takes some spice and passes out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER FOUR
The Harkonnens sucked. Yueh sucked. Poor Leto. Poor Paul.
Also, poor me. I'm unhappily married and drunk.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
LETO and YUEH are brought into the HARKONNEN fortress.
YEUH: I'm supposed to be so brainwashed I can't ever hurt someone, but I'm actually willing to hurt the Baron, I hate him so much.
LETO: Yeah? Cool, how do we do it?
YUEH: By killing you.
LETO: You do realize that makes no sense, right?
YUEH: Boy, let me tell you. When the Harkonnens decide to screw with your head, they don't half-ass it. Anyways. We're gonna die. You have a poison gas tooth in your mouth. Give it a good bite and try to breathe hard at the Baron for me.
They're escorted to in front of the BARON and PITER.
YUEH: Here he is. Just as promised. Let me go?
PITER: Hey, Yueh.
YUEH: Yeah?
PITER: Shiv.
YUEH: So called it. YEERRGHHH [YUEH dies]
LETO: Hey, Baron. Howsit going?
BARON: Pretty good lately. Sorry about you, though.
LETO: Yeah, I've had better days. Oh, by the way, DIE.
The poison gas kills LETO and PITER, but the BARON survives.
BARON: That was a close one. And now I don't have a supergenius drug addict to do my scheming for me.
GUARD: Hey, we caught the Atreides' supergenius drug addict, Thufir Hawat.
BARON: Send him in for a job interview.
THUFIR: I'm going to kill you.
BARON: It wasn't me who betrayed you.
THUFIR: Really?
BARON: Yeah, it was totally Lady Jessica. Want to sign on with my crew to get revenge?
THUFIR: OH THAT BITCH! She was always harshing on my mellow! I'm in!
BARON: Thank Orange Catholic God all the supergeniuses like their drugs.
LATER
FEYD-RAUTHA: Thufir, you've got to help me!
THUFIR: What is it, brat?
FEYD-RAUTHA: My uncle has an incestuous homosexual pedo-crush on me!
THUFIR: Yeah, I know.
FEYD-RAUTHA: You do?
THUFIR: When everyone calls us a supergenius drug-addict, they focus on the 'drug-addict' and forget about the 'supergenius'. It wasn't hard to reason out why he likes you over your brother, and his preferences are an open secret.
FEYD-RAUTHA: That is the most lucid thing I've ever heard a Mentat say. Help me plan out something to kill him before he can violate me!
THUFIR: Eh, I still hate him. So, sure. But you'll owe me one.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Anything!
THUFIR: Hey, want some sapho juice?
FEYD-RAUTHA: Sure, why not?
They groove on the COLORS and pass out.
TWO YEARS AND MORE PASS. JESSICA gives birth to ALIA. PAUL sees more of the FUTURE and he's in love with CHANI. The BARON plots villainy, now with THUFIR helping him. FEYD-RAUTHA is still a douchebag.
CHAPTER FIVE
Here is a cryptic mystical statement about the future and seeing it change. It is very mystic. And cryptical. If you don't understand it, you won't get it even if someone tries to explain.
Also, I'm out of gin. Again.
--Princess Irulan. First Drafts.
PAUL MUAB'DIB gets stoned out his mind on spice and sees the FUTURE.
The FUTURE still sucks.
JESSICA: Hey, Paul, why don't you go see Leto?
PAUL: Who?
JESSICA: Your son. With Chani.
PAUL: Oh, right. Sorry, I hit the spice a little hard today.
ALIA: Nothing unusual for you, big brother Paul.
PAUL: Mom, can I say how creepy it is that we have a two-year-old running around always snarkily butting into conversations?
ALIA: You just said it. Why ask if you say it anyway? [ALIA sharpens her KNIVES]
PAUL: Also, where does she get those?
JESSICA: Not a clue.
ALIA: I'm Saint Alia of the Knife! Orange Catholic God grants me the miraculous power to produce knives whenever I want! AHAHAH!!
PAUL: Oh, That's not creepy at all...Oh, want some spice, mom?
JESSICA: I'm good.
PAUL: Stilgar, want to do a couple grams with me?
STILGAR: Maybe later, I've got to come up with something to do about the Harkonnens.
PAUL: I miss Thufir. And Gurney. And Duncan.
ALIA: I'll partake with you, brother.
PAUL: Oh hell no. Not with you.
PAUL uses spice and gets stoned out of his mind. He sees the FUTURE. Again. And passes out grooving to the COLORS. Again.
CHAPTER SIX.
Daddy had a friend. He was a good friend.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts
COUNT FENRING comes to see the BARON, with his hot wife LADY FENRING. FENRING is a very harmless looking man. Extremely harmless looking.
READERS: Okay, we get it, this guy's a stone-cold killer and assassin.
FENRING: So, honey, are you in season? Ready to get knocked up?
LADY FENRING: Yep. Just point me at this kid, I'll take care of it. We've spent fifteen thousand years selectively breeding people to get super-psychics, can't let the Harkonnens die off from gross stupidity.
They meet with the BARON.
BARON: Hey, my nephew Feyd-Rautha is fighting in the arena. Wanna watch?
FENRINGS: Sure.
FEYD-RAUTHA fights and wins. He notices LADY FENRING is hot.
BARON: Behave yourself, kid. She's married to the Emperor's best friend, confidant, and assassin.
LADY FENRING: What does that have to do with anything?
FEYD-RAUTHA: Oh HELL yeah.
FENRING: So, Baron. What's up?
BARON: Not much. How's the Emperor?
FENRING: About the same. How's Arrakis coming along?
BARON: Just fine, just fine.
FENRING: That's quite good. We'll just be visiting for a couple of days, taking care of some business. But we'll attend any balls or banquets or other such social events while we're here.
FEYD-RAUTHA: OH HELL YEAH.
FENRING: And then we'll be on our way. Got places to go, things to do.
BARON: Perfectly fine.
LADY FENRING: Hey, Feyd, let's meet up later.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
MORE YEARS PASS.
BARON: Feyd-Rautha, I noticed you tried to kill me today.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Oh, wasn't me. Nope. I know nothing about how your slaveboy had a needle all set and ready for you.
BARON: Uh-huh.
FEYD-RAUTHA: I was chillin' with the bitches, see?
BARON: Uh-huh.
FEYD-RAUTHA [to himself]: I'm gonna kill this fat old fucker soon.
BARON: You just thought you're going to kill this fat old fucker soon.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Ooh, he's good!
BARON: Better than you are, kiddo. Now go choke all your bitches.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Sure thing
BARON: To death.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Shit.
Meanwhile, THUFIR HAWAT has organized this to happen.
THUFIR: Just as planned, bitches.
THUFIR cracks open some sapho juice. He passes out grooving to the COLORS.
CHAPTER SEVEN
SHAI-HULUD.
Why is that so fun to say it's fun to write? It's just some words, but I want to shout them.
Also, I have gin again!
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL: Well, I'm about to try to catch and ride a sandworm as a proof of my manhood. Wish me luck, everyone.
EVERYONE: Luck.
PAUL's sandworm turns out to be huge. The largest ever seen.
STILGAR: Well, great job on getting a giant worm and all that.
PAUL: You don't seem happy.
STILGAR: Your worm was bigger than my worm.
PAUL: What does that have to do with anything?
STILGAR: It should be obvious! Your worm being bigger makes you more of a man! You could now kill me and take command over all the warriors and no one would object.
ALIA: Oh. My. God. The subtext here... [ALIA facepalms]
PAUL: It's all good, man. I just got lucky, it isn't anything to do with me. You keep on with your bad self. I wouldn't try to run this joint without you.
STILGAR: That's pretty decent of you.
PAUL: Ain't nothin', dawg. Say, wanna do a couple of grams?
STILGAR: I think it's time we kicked the Harkonnens off of Arrakis.
JESSICA: I agree.
PAUL: Well, sure. Let's get cracking.
PAUL first takes a day to sober up. By the end of that day, he's got fanatic death-commandos, and caught up to GURNEY HALLECK.
PAUL: GURNEY! Good to see you! Hey, guess what! I'm a daddy! I'm also one of the boss dudes of the Fremen. Wanna join up and kick some Harkonnen ass?
GURNEY: Great to see you, kid. And sure, I'm down with the asskicking.
JESSICA: Hello, Gurney, it's great to see you again.
GURNEY: DIE TRAITOROUS WITCH!
PAUL: Hey, cut that shit out, man. Mom didn't do anything, it was Yueh. He left us a note saying what was up and that he was sorry. Dude, way to harsh on everyone's mellow.
GURNEY: Sorry. I was wrong.
PAUL: Seriously, dude, ease off the trigger a bit. Anyway, let's kick some ass.
PAUL, JESSICA, STILGAR, ALIA, and GURNEY go and kick ass. The death commandos help.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Father always liked the saying 'Power gives you poise'.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
The WAR is not going well for the HARKONNENS. The BARON waits nervously for THE EMPEROR himself to come and take charge, with his unstoppable elite SADUAKAR troopers.
BARON: Are we good to go?
THUFIR: We're good to go.
BARON: I hope so.
THUFIR: We'll be fine.
THE EMPEROR arrives in a gold-plated diamond-encrusted shuttle with SALUSAN BULL horns on the grill. Before the door opens, a RED CARPET unrolls in front of the door and two GUILD NAVIGATORS get out, along with the FENRINGS and PRINCESS IRULAN and the ENTOURAGE. The ASSEMBLED CROWD goes wild as the Emperor comes out, in his tiger-striped PIMP SUIT and twirling his platinum-and-ruby PIMP CANE.
THE EMPEROR: Who're my bitches?
CROWD: WE ARE!
THE EMPEROR: Are you my bitches?
CROWD: HELL YEAH!
THE EMPEROR: LEMME HEAR YOU SAY IT!
CROWD: WE'RE YOUR BITCHES!
THE EMPEROR: LEMME HEAR YOU MEAN IT!
CROWD: WE'RE YOUR BITCHES!
THE EMPEROR: I-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU!
CROWD: WE'RE YOUR BITCHES!
THE EMPEROR: Damn straight you are. Hey, Baron. You've gained weight. Must be because your fat ass is SITTING AROUND instead of doing something about these Fremen jackasses.
BARON: Your Majesty, I--
THE EMPEROR: AH! I ain't got time for the fatties. Let's see you work some of that off. Get that ass moving and get a rumble going. I'm loaning you some of my boys here, though. Hop to it.
BARON: Yes, sir.
THE WAR GOES ON.
CHAPTER NINE
Good always overcomes bad. Especially good planning over bad planning.
--Princess Irulan, first drafts.
PAUL: God, this war is so harshing on my vibes. And no one is doing spice with me. You know what? Spice isn't enough for me now. I'm going to take some WATER OF LIFE, the super-strong shit.
PAUL does, and goes into a COMA for three weeks.
When he wakes up, CHANI and JESSICA are there.
PAUL: Oh Orange Catholic God, that was a bitchin' trip, but I've got such a huge fucking hangover...
CHANI: Leto's dead.
PAUL: Who?
CHANI: Our toddler son.
PAUL: Oh. That sucks.
JESSICA: They're holding the capital. If we nuked the barrier wall and then did a surprise attack on city by riding sandworms in there, we could corner them and force them off planet.
PAUL: Good idea. Also, get someone to get a sack of Water of Life and put it over a spice patch. I had an idea while I was tripping. And I need a hair of the dog.
JESSICA: Not the time, Paul.
PAUL: Whatever, let's just get going.
The FREMEN follow PAUL and the OTHERS in battle. Nuking a geologic feature out of the way and riding up to the fight on sandworms works.
PAUL: I AM SO FUCKING METAL RIGHT NOW. Stilgar! Give me a guitar solo!
STILGAR begins thrashing out an incredible guitar-shredding solo to lend some atmosphere to the proceedings.
SADUAKAR: We totally didn't see that one coming.
FREMEN: Hey, why can't we get someone good to fight?
IMPERIAL FORCES: Oh, shit, these Fremen are FOR REAL.
ALIA is captured. She is brought to the BARON HARKONNEN.
ALIA: Hey, Grandad.
BARON: What?
ALIA: Shiv.
BARON: YEEERRRGH, I'M DEAD.
ALIA: I AM SAINT ALIA OF THE KNIFE! BOW BEFORE ME OR BE STRUCK DOWN WITH BLOOD-SOAKED VENGEANCE!
EVERYONE: Oh, that's going to be a stable woman when she grows up.
PAUL takes the city and waits for the EMPEROR.
THE EMPEROR: Hey, Thufir.
THUFIR: Yes, your Majesty?
THE EMPEROR: Stick Paul with this poisoned needle.
THUFIR: Yes, sir.
PAUL: Hey, Thufir! Good to see you! Let's crack open a case of the sapho and catch up with each other!
THUFIR: I'd like to, but I just stabbed myself with a poison needle to keep from murdering you. YERGGGGH I'M DEAD.
PAUL: DAMMIT, can't I get anyone to get stoned with me?
THE EMPEROR: You can chill in prison.
PAUL: Oh, shut up. I'm in charge here and I have a fucking hangover like you wouldn't believe. So if you keep it up, I'm going to turn on my seeing-the-future power and kick some ass.
THE EMPEROR: Feyd-Rautha is going to challenge you to a duel.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Wait, what?
THE EMPEROR: Using my personal pimpin' dueling equipment.
FEYD-RAUTHA: Oh, dude, this is sweet gear. Look at this poison..
LADY FENRING: Hey, Paul, I brainwashed Feyd-Rautha when I seduced him the other year. Say the special code word and he'll lock up.
PAUL: Fuck that. I'm gonna beat him honest.
FEYD-RAUTHA and PAUL fight, and PAUL wins.
FEYD-RAUTHA: I...I did it for the bitches. [FEYD-RAUTHA dies]
THE EMPEROR: Kid, I wish you could have had more of them. Paul, I'm gonna nuke the shit out of you.
PAUL: Okay, that is IT. Fuck this shit. If you keep it up, I'm going to fucking blow up all the spice on this planet. We'll all die, the Guild Navigators won't be able to see into the future to steer spaceships, galactic civilization falls apart.
THE EMPEROR: You wouldn't.
PAUL: Look at the Navigators. They can see into the future, too.
The NAVIGATORS are crapping their PANTS and having WITHDRAWAL SEIZURES just from seeing a FUTURE without spice.
EMPEROR: Fenring, kill him.
FENRING: Eh, I don't want to.
PAUL: Fuck this shit AGAIN. You give up your throne to me RIGHT NOW or I swear to Orange Catholic God that I'm going to blow up all the spice anyway.
THE EMPEROR: Why would you do that?
PAUL: Because I haven't had spice in three weeks and I somehow managed to have both withdrawals and a hangover at the same time, and you're getting on my LAST nerve. And if I blow up all the spice on the planet, we'll all die in five minutes but it will be the best spice-high of our whole life.
NAVIGATORS: He isn't lying, we're seeing it in the future RIGHT NOW.
THE EMPEROR: Why do you see the future better than they do?
PAUL: Because I pick the hard way every now and then to stay sharp. They only look at the future for the easy way. Now lemme marry your daughter Irulan to get some bit of legality to it, and I won't touch her skinny ass ever and I can be the new Emperor and you can retire with your bitches.
THE EMPEROR: Sounds about as good a deal as we're gonna get.
JESSICA: Paul, you were fantastic!
PAUL: Yeah, thanks. I just remembered Dad's saying of 'Be cool to people and they'll be cool to you'. Listen, Chani, I know you're very upset over our son's death. But it's okay, we'll make another one that looks just like him. And we'll actually name him Leto II. And he'll grow up, turn into a sand-worm, become God-Emperor of the universe for three thousand years and spend a hell of a lot of effort trying to persuade people to kill him before they actually get their shit together and pull it off.
CHANI AND JESSICA: What? Are you on the spice again?
PAUL: Nope, I'm actually arranging this right now, thanks to chaos theory. Also, I hope you like crazy resurrections and whole lot more superdrugs. It's what I said about picking the hard way some times. And how dad said to "Be Cool to People"
JESSICA: How is your son turning into a sandworm being cool to people?
PAUL: I'm setting up the hard way because none of you were cool to me and didn't ever do some grams with me. It works both ways, jackasses.
PAUL MUAB'DIB, the new EMPEROR, did some spice, and grooved to the COLORS for a while. And passed out.
And then we checked him into spice-rehab.
--Princess Irulan
